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Frozen In Time

Grief is still something I struggle with. I think when you lose someone you love it becomes a garment that never comes off. It's part of my thoughts always. Somewhere in the back of my mind there is this image, feeling and thought that pops up often. Tonight the thought was of the difficulty I had following Larry's death. It was my final weeks of my bachelor's degree. I was nearing the finish line with dreams, hopes and happiness that the journey was coming to an end. Everything was so full of hope and possibilities. Then suddenly Larry died and just like that my life was shattered into a million pieces. What I entered into was a time where reaching those aspirations seemed like a feat that was totally impossible. I was frozen in time. Everyone around me was happy and excited about life. I was like a frozen popsicle trying desperately to find some momentum to move forward. Inside I was broken and hurting. Pain consumed me. Sorrow hung heavily around me. How do you move forward? For me it was one painful step at a time. Dreams and goals had suddenly vanished. All I could do was cry and try the best I could to finish up the final weeks of my studies so I could graduate. I needed to move on and apply to graduate schools so I could complete the final part of my degree but I was frozen solid hardly able to move.

So much of me died that day. My ability to run, my ability to sing, my ability to laugh . . . All I could do was survive the best I could. From that point on I could no longer connect with my peers. I felt isolated and alone. I pushed through this time by the grace of God. It was my writing, God and a handful of long distance friends that kept me going. But mostly I felt alone, tormented by pain and grief that would take years to recover from if recovery ever truly happens with grief. I think with grief you only learn to survive but for the remainder of your life a hole remains in your heart that will never be completely repaired until heaven.

I think about this time and realize that I have gotten better and I have healed but there will always be a more serious side to me because of this experience. That other side of me vanished the day Larry died. It changed me forever. Life can do that. In a second we can be shattered by the events of life. My heart will always hold Larry inside of it. Memories will flood my mind from time to time. I can't help these things. This is part of my journey here on this earth. But I know that God also has good plans for my life. He will bring happiness again and He will comfort me when sorrow washes over me. He will also send people into my life who understand this.

Every part of our life is in God's hands. He knows us better than we know ourselves. Over the course of my life I have watched God bless me with people who have given me the courage to live again, laugh again and learn to love again. I am thankful for these people. The next chapters of my life are in God's hands. In the mean time I will relax in His arms and wait for Him to reveal them to me.

Are you in a time of pain and difficulty right now? My prayer is that you will reach out to God. Cry out to Him. Tell Him how you are feeling and what you need. In His own perfect way He will provide the help you need right now. He has a plan even when things seem dark and gloomy. Rest in His arms and allow Him to comfort you.

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